Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Where we're at with the baby stuff

Sometimes I don't want to try any harder to have a baby. Imagine me saying that in an unsure, low whisper because I can't believe I am actually admitting the thoughts that have been bouncing between my ears the past month or so. But 'tis true. Earlier this month we threw the ovulation predictor kits out the window and forgot all about it. Well not completely forgot about it, but you know what I mean. I added up all the money I've spent on those stupid ov tests and pregnancy tests. Hint: there were three zeroes after a one. And that was a low estimate. Barf. I said, "ENOUGH!!" No more of this for a while. Sure, we haven't been doing any medicated cycles since November (and that has been thee nicest reprieve evah!), but I was still focusing too much energy on every cycle. Tracking and obsessing. I was, and still am, exhausted by the thought of it. If you know me in real life (which I think most can confirm is the same as I portray myself on this blog--I hope?), you may know that I passionately go after the things that I truly want. A baby has been no different. 

Jesse and I have put things on hold to make our parental dreams come true. We don't go on vacations. We didn't pursue buying a house as soon as Jesse wanted to. All because I was scared of throwing a bunch of money at something else when it could be used toward fertility treatments. It's relatively embarrassing that in roughly 24 months I have spent the same amount on ovulation kits and pregnancy tests that we could have spent on two plane tickets to a tropical destination (OK, we'd probably still have to use a Groupon). Yuck. I have always scoffed at women who allow themselves to be so consumed with motherhood. How can they lose their identity like that? And then I realized I have been no different. Except I don't have a squishy, drooly human to show for it. Judgey Wudgey was bear. Who's more pathetic? Side note: I don't consume myself too much with how others live their life, but I will admit that how others handle the transition from before kids to after kids has always bewildered me. I am self aware enough, though, to admit I will most certainly struggle with that balance someday too, thus I try not to judge too harshly. Anymore. 

I will never regret the itensity in which we pursued fertility treatments this past year. We went buck wild for our baby, and there is no shame in that game. I'd venture to guess anyone else would do the same thing if they were in a similar situation. But sometimes you just have to stop (collaborate) and listen to your heart (before it tears you apart). 

I know I have already written about Jesse and I focusing more on the state of our marriage. Nurturing it, and making that our focal point. Communicating our feelings. It's been so good for us. And we are listening to each other. Like on the house stuff. I always shut Jesse down on it before. I now see the value in it, and am trusting that it's the best thing for us right now. I can take my infertility obsessed blinders off and actually see how it will benefit us more when and if we have to pursue the financial giant that is IVF. And Jesse is listening to me to. He'd be happy as a clam in the suburbs, but he is allowing me to take the reigns when pursuing a home in the heart of the city. I love him for that. Speaking of which...does anyone know where I can get some street legal sedatives? The ones I am putting in his chocolate milk every night are running low. Just kidding. 

So there you have it. Communicating. Listening. Trusting. That almost sounds like our marriage vows. Crazy, isn't it? 






20 comments:

Carolyn said...

OK. How can you take such an honest, raw post and make me laugh? Seriously. Buck wild? I love it. :) And now I'm singing Vanilla Ice at my desk - so thanks for that.

I wish that this whole baby thing could come easier for you two, because I know for a fact that you'd rock at it. I do think it's a good thing to take a step back and enjoy life with your hubs. You definitely deserve that! And This whole house thing is definitely a good idea - we just need to find you the right one! I have faith that you'll get your house, and you'll get your squishy, drooly human someday. I just hope that someday is soon! :)

Miki {Becoming What I Always Was} said...

I love your honesty and it's refreshing to read a raw post not depicting your life as perfect. My sister in law is going through a similar situation and she always told me that it boggled her mind that when she started talking about infertility how many other people were dealing with it. It made her feel like there was a community. I hope you and Jesse can focus on more positive things and make sure that you're still living your awesome lives and loving each other! :)

Just T said...

I really loved your post today. Very honest.

I know there are many great things in life after you give up control of going through infertility. I am hoping this summer after all our treatments stop that we will notice even more than we do now.

Suzanne said...

Your post is so relatable. I hate that you are still dealing with this journey. I'm hoping that so much joy is in your near future. You're so strong and you should be proud of yourself and your marriage for how you've continued to keep your head high.

MarlaJan said...

I judge everyone on their transition from non-mommy to mommy; friends, facebook "friends," women at the supermarket... it makes me feel better.

I think it's wonderful that you are taking a step back, and focusing on other things. I have seen fertility (or that there of) tear marriages apart, and although I don't know you in the literal sense, I just know that that is NOT an option for you and Jesse.

Word to your mother!

Lisa {Amateur Nester} said...

I think it's great that you have decided this together, but have no regrets about what you've done up to this point. I agree that marriage should be the top priority- not children. It's hard to remember that sometimes, but I for one don't want to be successful at TTC if it means my marriage goes down the drain in the process. Will be keeping you in my prayers as you move into this new-focus phase.

torthĂșil said...

Taking a break from TTC (at least all the monitoring and obsessing) is often the best thing e-ver. So good for you for having the courage to do it. TTC/treatments also puts strain on individuals and relationship so great choice to focus on your marriage and communicating. That can only make you stronger.

Brenda Wilkerson said...

This is a great post. I'm happy you're finding yourself in a place of semi-rest in the middle of all this. It IS really easy to pursue something so hard that you don't realize what the pursuit is doing to you.

Aramis said...

Nice Vanilla Ice reference. Seamless, even. :) I have to say I took a lot of comfort in our breaks from TTC (most of the time forced by circumstances) because you can just forget about things for a while and focus on other important stuff in your life, like being happy with the one you love. I know it feels counterproductive to not always be trying, but trust me you won't regret it!

Belle Vierge said...

I wish I had a real comment to write, other than the typical "This is very honest and great and I love your for it." But that's all I have, so that's all you get. :)

Jane @ The Borrowed Abode said...

I feel like I understand, at least a little, where you are coming from. I hope that you can find some peace!

Ashley said...

I totally get what you mean by taking a break! Last year, we decided to take a vacation, while things were on hold, this allowed me in particular to regroup, come up with a plan, as another ivf cycle just seemed like too much - how much was I willing to take? That's when I "got desperate" and sought out a naturopath, who diagnosed me with b12/folate anemia - who thought it could be that simple? Between treatment of that with supplement, yeast cleanse, weight loss, quit my job and clomid, yes all of that in 3 months preceding my positive test! Who is to say what worked?
So take your time with your plan, trust your instincts! I won't tell you to enjoy your time with your husband now, because clearly you are. Just support and respect each other, I always forgot that I wasn't the only one going through this, M was too.

Carla @ Hammers and High Heels said...

I know I haven't been the best blog buddy lately, but I'm here (really locally here!) if you ever need! Sharing your story is brave & inspiring and I know things will work out, even if you stop believing they still will !

Aubrey said...

I love this post. I just feel such a sense of peace when reading your words. XOXO

Kathleen DiVirgilio said...

Good Post! I too felt the need to take a break and focus on just being happy now the way my life is without a child. It is the best thing I ever did. I am happier than ever! Good Luck!
www.mommy-dreaming.blogspot.com

Beth Zustiak said...

Love this Lauren! So honest and real AND you're hilarious! :) You have all kinds of wisdom.

Melissa said...

Totally understand. How much we have spent to become pregnant makes me want to vomit, i can't even think about it. And we haven't even done the big thing (ivf). But still. It has been so much. We have also put off buying a house because any money we have is to have a baby.

Praying for y'all!

Sara Bennett said...

As I was reading this post I felt like I could have written it. My husband and I also struggled with infertility. We held off on taking vacations, buying things and doing anything that involved a large chunk of money because we knew we needed it for our next treatment. After trying clomid, IVFs and FETs we ended up adopting embryos. Our little miracle arrived 5+ years after we started the journey. Never give up hope, baby dust to you and Jesse!!

thebennettway.blogspot.com

Kristin said...

Your amazing attitude and humor astound me! I think it's so wonderful that you and J are focusing on the blessings you already have. The steps you are taking as a couple will only make you better, stronger, more wonderful parents some day as well as help you through IVF if or when that time comes. Make that adorable house a home for your family to grow in and it will grow! I just know it!

Em said...

This is a really cool post. I love how intentional you're being about your marriage. Andrew and I did the same thing, starting around November. We saw a therapist and really made one another priority #1. It was cool to see the difference intentionality can make. Blessings upon blessings upon your marriage.